It’s December, so now I can officially wish everyone a “Merry Christmas.”
Yes, I am one of those people who refuses to start celebrating Christmas until December 1. No, it’s not because I lack Christmas spirit: I love Christmas so much that I want to keep it special. Christmas ceases to be Christmas when it lasts 1/4 of the year. It’s like eating dessert for three months straight.
Simply stated: when you play Christmas music in October, you ruin my Christmas.
Now, because I’m out of the dorms for the first time in four years, my Christmas has not been spoiled, and I’m ready to listen to Christmas music again. But right before I hit play, something occurred to me.
Other than the fact that it’s verboten for eleven months of the year. Several theories quickly sprung to mind, each one more credible than the last.
Theory One: Somebody’s favorite song of all time is a Christmas song.
We all know the many virtues of Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You. Or maybe you’re a classicist, choosing Perry Como and Bing Crosby over that new canned stuff. Or, maybe you’re a suburban Michael Buble mom. No judgment.
The point is, maybe Christmas songs are your Kryptonite. Christmasite.
You know what I mean.
Theory Two: The only instrument someone knows how to play is a jinglebell.
Not really a theory.
Just wanted to be mean.
Theory Three: Nobody ever has to relearn the words to Christmas songs.
This is the strongest of my theories, aka the only viable one. The reason why people love Christmas music so much is because they know all of the words by heart, and people are by nature stupidly lazy.
Plus, there are rarely new Christmas songs to learn.
Hear me out on this one: when was the last time there was an original Top 40s yuletide hit? “All I Want for Christmas is You?” “River?”
It’s been a while, folks.
Not that people don’t try to write new Christmas songs, mind you. Almost every Christmas album is 95% Christmas covers with one or two originals thrown into the mix.
Doesn’t mean they’re any good.
Doesn’t mean they’ll stop trying, either.
But as creatures of habit, we naturally gravitate toward what we know. There is something really comforting about turning on a radio station and knowing the words to every song, and having everyone around you know them, too.
It reminds me of when I was in middle school and I was only allowed to listen to Family Life Radio and NPR. I so badly wanted to know all of the songs that my friends did, to be part of the cool crowd, to understand their references so I could laugh along, too.
Probably still guilty of these sentiments today.
So, enjoy your Christmas music, lemmings. Drink your cup of good cheer. Go ahead and wassail or waffle or whatever it is you do.
I will sit here with my sensible, prudent, and well-timed festivities-you gotta be a Grinch BEFORE your heart grows two sizes too big, you know.
ALSO, if you feel like getting into the Christmas spirit in a timely fashion, here is my go-to Christmas playlist with zero repeat songs(there are only so many versions of O Holy Night that a person can stomach on a seasonal basis). Also, zero repeat artists, because Michael Buble does not deserve premium space every Christmas season. Plus, I’ll be adding to it throughout the season.